Would you be able and willing to provide live-in care for either or both of your parents, if they could no longer cope on their own at home?
This was the question the anonymous writer of The Reluctant Carer had to ask himself in November 2017 when his mother, aged 88, phoned to say that his father, aged 86, had been admitted to hospital yet gain. One of three children and with his brother and sister both married with growing families of their own, the writer was the only one who could even consider taking on this role. As he admits in the book: “They work. I have no children, job, money or anyone else to worry about now….. Gradually I became a carer.”
The story then unfolds of how he spent the next 21 months living in his parents’ home and caring mainly for his father. The tone is set in the opening lines:
“The first question in this house is always, “Did we make it through the night? Once a rustle, a cough, or a groan confirms our group survival, then the big issue dissolves into the everyday details and desires of any other household – Can I make it to the bathroom before you?”
He goes on to recount in graphic detail – frequently humorous and sometimes moving – how he strove to bring order and routine to his parents’ increasingly fraught and chaotic existence. The story is told with insight, wit and pathos and makes for a highly entertaining and enjoyable read. The writer has an unerring ability to wrestle humour from the jaws of despair. Three examples:
“Did you sleep ok, how are you? Out of this comes a kind of competitive insomnia…”
“A former primary school teacher, my sister has a kind of feral instinct for disaster… “
“Our once demure and deferential household has been remixed by old age into a free-fire zone of profanity, fluids, flatulence, and incredibly loud TV.”
To answer the question in the title of this article, the writer of The Reluctant Carer did succeed in providing care for his parents, but only because he was able and willing to put his own life on hold and devote himself to the role full-time. But how many other people are in a position to do that? Very few in reality, especially if they work.
Even if you have already retired, you might only be in a position to care for an ageing parent if you are either single, or have a very understanding partner. But would you feel able – and would you even want – to provide 24-hour care for your mother or father? You might not know until you tried, but in the meantime The Reluctant Carer will give you a good idea of what you might be letting yourself in for.
Whether or not you could ever see yourself providing 24-hour care for one of your parents, this book is well worth reading and portrays with humour and humanity the sea-change that occurs in the relationship between grown-up children and their parents as old age sets in.
If you already know that you could never provide live-in care for a parent and want to explore other options, then click here to download a digital copy of our information leaflet, A Guide to Live-in Care.
